I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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