omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
COCAINE IS GR8
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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