1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
