I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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