yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
