Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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