He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize