the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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