Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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