Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
