It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
