I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
