Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
