I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
