You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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