ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize