You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did I show you my penis last night?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
