i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Pappa wants mamma naked
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
