i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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