mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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