I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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