he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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