Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
