Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
