Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
