She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
