Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
