I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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