I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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