I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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