Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
kristin has been a bad kristin
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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