The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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