I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
