I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
