I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
