God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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