If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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