my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
