Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
