Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
