I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
