I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
