I bet he comes in French.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
