So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize