you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
