Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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