My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
