38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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