Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
