yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
