Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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