I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
