You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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