Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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