I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
